Babies. They're adorable, right? Of course they are! I have a theory that babies must be exceptionally cute to lure you in, to lull you into a false sense of security. Then before you know it, bam! Reality hits. Sleep deprivation, emotional upheaval, social isolation, and a severe lack of self care can cause you to realise something. I know I have. While I love my daughter beyond all measure, and I wouldn't hesitate to go dark side and whoop your butt if you were to do wrong by her, I have realised sometimes things that she does are REALLY annoying. Note, I said things that she does, not her as a whole. As a whole, she's an adorable package. But some of the things that she does drive me utterly bonkers. And I know the journey has only just begun...
* Hog the bed: My 5 month old baby girl, my husky husband and my fluffy self all share a less than ideal queen size bed. Normally you would think adding a tiny human being wouldn't be such a big deal. WRONG. My daughter is the ultimate bed hog. Something I'm afraid she may have inherited from me. No matter where I position her on the bed, within minutes there are arms and legs flaying everywhere. She can pivot herself a full 360 degrees. Arms stretch at odd angles like she's playing "aeroplane". My husband sleeps soundly on his side of the bed while I try to balance my fluffy body on a minuscule portion, while trying not to so much as breathe the wrong way in case I wake the stealth ninja who has taken over our bed.
* Flailing arms: My little girl is strong. Really strong. She loves to flail her arms around a lot: when she's happy, when she's upset, when she's sleepy, when she's playful. Often, my nose, eyes or other area of my face falls victim to a flailing arm (closed fist included). This hurts a lot more than it seems.
* Wriggling: My little girl is a wriggler. Trying to change her nappy requires a great deal of skill and patience, as well as the ability to hold your tongue in just the right spot in concentration. She often holds her legs up mid nappy change then refuses to put them down again. This makes putting a fresh nappy on not just a difficult task, but an impossible one.
* Open mouth, insert thumb: My daughter's thumb is her absolute best friend right now. This is really awfully cute, except when it's not. Trying to breastfeed a baby that is constantly putting her thumb in is a nightmare. Especially when your baby is already feeding and somehow a thumb creeps in alongside your boob. It's worse when it pinches.
* Squealing: Having a conversation with my daughter is adorable. It's one of those really nice parts about being a parent. I love it when she tries to talk to me. But I hate it when she squeals. This is the type of squeal that is so high-pitched only dogs can hear it. The type that causes you to take out insurance on all the glass items that you own, just in case. After a long day, a high-pitched, blood curling scream "just because" is not really very appealing!
* Lip-pursing: Giving medicine to a baby requires an inhuman amount of patience. It also requires an inordinate amount of skill. Somehow, you have to hold down two hands that keep making their way to the baby's mouth, hold a head in position, angle the body/head so that the medicine must go down but doesn't cause choking, try to duck and weave kicking legs... Once all those bases are covered, you have to have to navigate through the Fort Knox that is the mouth. If, like my daughter, your baby has learned how to clench their jaw, you can be sure you'll spend far more time trying to gently prise open a tiny mouth than you will showering alone for the foreseeable future. 0.9ml of liquid sounds laughable, until you're forced to give it to a baby.
* Bowel explosion: Every time I have an appointment, I can be guaranteed that my daughter will have a massive, eye-watering, nostril singeing bowel explosion that will require an inordinate amount of wipes and a full change of clothes for baby and I. For a bit of variety, this explosion is unpredictable. Sometimes it is when I am trying to leave the house, sometimes it's along the journey, sometimes it's in the car park. But it will happen. And it will be BAD.
* Fight the Sandman: Now that I'm a mama, I would do anything for sleep. I'm a sleep-slut. I just can't get enough of it. I'm resigned to this reality until my baby turns 21. My daughter, however, will do anything to fight the sandman. She will scream and thrash and squeal and flail her arms and smack at me. Anything. No matter how tired she is, she will not go quietly into the night.
I love my daughter more than anything, and I know these things aren't her fault. This, however, doesn't make those things any less annoying. I'm sure if she could type, she could point out a long list of annoying things that I do, too. I'm sure one day all too soon she will.
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