Before my daughter was born, I had a lot more spare time. Sometimes I long for that spare time back. But in the quiet hours feeding a 5mo at 3.00am, I have a lot more time to reflect. In those moments of reflection, I think about how parenting has changed my life.
I reflect on how I used to stay up late "just for fun", but I can't for the life of me remember what I achieved by doing that. I've always been a notoriously bad sleeper, so I guess it was more habit than anything else. Sometimes there was a certain pride in saying I stayed up until 2.00am. It was the pre-parenthood badge of honour. Now, I take all the sleep I can get which, granted, isn't a lot. But it's enough to get by. Before having my daughter, I would never have believed I could survive on such little, broken sleep. Before babies, I never knew what sleep deprivation was. I just thought that I did.
But somehow as I look at my little girl in those small hours, I realise that sleep is often the furtherest thing from my mind I find myself staying awake just to watch her sleep. Just to breathe her in. I find myself staring in awe at her eyes, her eyelashes, her fingers, her toes, her cute little nose, her squishy little thighs. Before my daughter, I would never have taken the time to stare in wonder at this amazing creature. I would simply have rushed about my day, never giving the bigger picture a second thought.
Parenting is a busy business, though. There's always appointments to juggle, food to prepare, clothes to wash, bodies to be scrubbed, messes to be tended to. Yet somewhere in amongst all that chaos, my daughter constantly helps me to find joy in the little things. A joy I could never have known before.
The most amazing part of all is she will never know that she is teaching me the true meaning of life, and the purest feeling of joy. Simply seeing her smile melts my heart. Seeing tears in her eyes breaks it. To sit and watch her sleep takes me to a place of wonder. To see her joy and her determination when she is learning and conquers something new. It makes all the things in life I take for granted seem so real again. It brings me back to a place of peace, of wonder, where I see the wold for just that moment, again, through the eyes of a child. And it is magical.
My daughter, who is 5 months old, has begun to discover her hands and feet. Today, I watched as she stared in itter amazement at her hands. She twisted them slowly in front of her with a look of pure awe. In that moment, watching her, I was again transported to the place where my body wasn't just something I took for granted. In that moment, I found myself staring at my own hands. Watching as they held my daughter. Knowing the journey they have taken with me. Thankful they were holding my most amazing blessing.
My daughter helps me every day to be a better person. While I am her parent, and her protector, she is my teacher. She is giving me a second chance to live my life again. This time, without taking it for granted. She helps me find the joy in the little things. It is everywhere, if only we open our eyes to see it.
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