Before I became a mama, I could go where I wanted, whenever the urge struck. If I wanted to go to the shops "just because", I simply grabbed my keys and my handbag and walked out the door. If I felt like going for a drive, all I needed was my keys and my driver's licence. If I was invited to a party, I only had to think about what to wear and what to bring. If I was asked out for coffee, I just had to check my bank balance and all was well.
Since becoming a mama, I realise how complicated life becomes. My life is centred around the needs of my baby girl (and rightly so). Now when I'm asked for coffee, I have to consider how my baby is feeling. If her reflux is acting up, she is probably better at home where I can give her lots of baths, clothing changes, time on the bed, one-on-one snuggles. Nobody likes to be paraded around when they aren't feeling well. I have to consider the time of day. If it's an evening function then we are almost immediately ruled out. My baby girl feeds for hours from about 5.00pm onwards, and she often has a lot of pain and gets very upset around that time. Later, when she's asleep, she will only sleep in my arms and is such a light sleeper that even foreign voices, heck even my voice, could wake her up and see a toxic spiral into hours of crying for both of us.
If I want to go out anywhere now, I have to make sure my baby girl is changed, fed, and dressed appropriately. I have to make sure the nappy bag is packed with spare clothes, bibs, toys, wraps, nappies, wipes, washers, and so on. I have to organise myself and make sure I at least look half decent (I aim high these days). I need to check I have my wallet and phone and keys, and that I'm actually wearing footwear (this has been forgotten before). I have to consider if I need to take the pram, or a baby carrier. If we will be near sunlight for any length of time, I need to make sure baby girl will be shaded appropriately, that her clothes cover her delicate skin and that I have a hat for her and a means to keep it on. Also a hat for me to model appropriate behaviour.
I have to allow extra time to get anywhere to allow for lugging everything to the car, getting my daughter settled in her seat and allowances in case there's an accident before we even leave - which happens more often than not. If that accident requires a bath, half an hour will be needed as an allowance. There's also the time needed to pull over and settle a crying baby, to feed a crying baby upon arrival at the destination, clothing / nappy change/s, time to take out the pram or tie the carrier, re-pack the nappy bag that fell onto the floor, get a wriggly / stubborn child out of the seat and try to achieve the goal of getting out of the car without tears. Perhaps one day with limited stress, too, but for now, we just aim for less tears.
Before having a baby, I could eat when I liked, go to the toilet when I liked, have a shower... one that lasts for longer than 2 minutes and one where I don't imagine the sound of my daughter crying the entire time I'm away from her. I could talk on the phone without interruption. I could watch a tv show from start to finish without having to pause, or start and re-start it 23 times. I could watch a movie. I could listen to music that didn't involve little lambs or itsy bitsy spiders. I could read a book that didn't involve little pigs or three bears or a cat and a fiddle.
My friends that do not yet have children, or who choose not to, don't understand the world I now live in. They can't possibly comprehend how amazing it feels just to have a sleeping baby. Or how many hours are spent pacing the floor to comfort them. Or the nappy changes. Or the washing. Or how every single thing in my life is now done for the sole reason of ensuring my baby has everything she needs. Perhaps I used to be able to go for coffee on a whim, or to a function after 4.00pm, or to talk on the phone for hours, or to answer an email in more than two sentences. I used to be able to do a lot of things.
Maybe one day I'll be able to do these things again. Maybe I'll be able to leave the house without spit up on my clothes. Or even with make up on. But for now, I live in a time vortex. Spare time is a thing of the past. Staying up late voluntarily now just sounds laughable. Sleep is suddenly seen in a whole new light. So are so many other things.
I've found since having my daughter that so many friendships have faded away. Friends have slipped away, because I don't have the time or the energy to put into those friendships when I am raising a high-needs baby. I carry a lot of guilt about this. But I know that in time I will make new friends. Mothers at playgroup, in mums and babes exercise classes or even just by smiling at another struggling mama at the grocery store. There is plenty of time for that. But right now, I fly by the seat of the pyjama bottoms that I've been wearing solidly for 24 hours and haven't had a chance to change. I roll with the punches, and allow myself to be sucked into that vortex. I release myself from the selfish ways I practiced before I became a mama because I have something in my life that is so much more important now than staying up all night or wearing make up or all of the sleep ins in the world.
Does it mean I don't miss those things sometimes? No, of course not. I'm only human. But the past is the past for a reason. I don't live there any more. This is my life now. I may meet some of my old friends along the journey of motherhood some day in the future, but until then, I think of those friends I've lost to the great divide with fondness. I wish them well. I appreciate all the love and laughter we shared. And I hold my baby girl, smile, breathe her in, and thank God for this amazing miracle.
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