I have only been a parent for a very short time. My first-born is only 5 months old. Yet already I have had more exhilarating highs and gut-wrenching lows along this journey than I have throughout the course of the rest of my life. Parents warned me of this before my daughter was born, but to be honest I didn't entirely believe them. It's not that I didn't believe that they believed what they were saying, but I simply couldn't fathom how such a statement could be possible. I now realise that it is not only possible, but inevitable. It comes with the territory. That doesn't make it easy.
I have had moments where I have felt on top of the world. Where I felt invincible. In those moments, nothing else mattered. Holding my baby girl for the first time; seeing her smile and knowing (with a pretty large certainty) that it's not gas; the first time she laughed, the way she imitates me when I poke my tongue out; watching her and breathing her in while she sleeps. But just as there are these utterly amazing moments, there are also some devastating lows. The crying, oh the crying, both mine and hers. The screaming, hers aloud and mine in my head. The nappy changes and the piles and piles and piles of laundry. The missed social functions. The movies you won't get to see until they are 21. The tantrums. The helplessness of not knowing how to fill their needs. These are the things that can really get you down.
It's in these moments that I'm reminded that becoming a parent is a life-long journey. It is not something that I can "try before I buy". There are no instruction manuals and no guarantees. If something goes wrong, it is all on me, and all up to me to fix it. A life is depending on me. ME. The person who some days finds it hard enough to look after herself. Wow. Sometimes I just have to stop and let that sink in. How incredible, and how incredibly terrifying, is that?!
Some days it just feels like Groundhog Day, and a part of me longs for my pre-parenting days. I know a lot of parents say "I wouldn't change a thing", and perhaps they mean it, and that's great for hem, it really is. But I don't feel that way. There ARE things that I would change. I would change the hours and hours and hours of screaming, where I was terrified my daughter would pass out from hyperventilating. I would change that time I yelled my daughter's named loudly in frustration, in the vain hope that this would miraculously stop her from crying. I would change those things, and probably many others. The difference is, I know that I CAN'T change those things, so I don't dwell on them. I know that they happened, and before my life is through the list will be considerably longer. I know that I am human, that no human is perfect, and no parent is, either.
There are days when I miss the simplicity of my life before my baby. I know many people who don't have children may read that statement and scoff. My life before my baby was born was by no means simple. But it was simpler. I could think only of myself, without the obligation of thinking of, and caring for, a totally dependent human being. I could leave the house without 2 hours of preparation that always goes awry anyway. I could leave the house, full stop. Are there moments when I miss this freedom? Yes. Do I miss long showers? Yes. Do I miss sleep? Yes. Do I miss adult conversation? Yes. Would I change it? Ultimately, no.
On the days when parenting gets me down, I take some time to indulge my sorrows. It's ok to feel sad sometimes. Nobody can be happy all the time. By acknowledging those feelings, it is easier to move on from them. Like grieving, you can't move on until you've moved through the feelings that dwell within you. I take some time to wallow. To play out "woe is me" scenarios in my head. Oh how I wish I could pee alone! Oh how I wish I could go to the movies! Oh how I wish for just an hour alone! But the most important part of this process, is to give myself some time, and then move on. Perhaps 5 minutes of this thinking is all I need to indulge myself. Perhaps I need an hour. Perhaps I need a day. But once that time has passed, I have to move on. It doesn't mean that anything has changed, it won't, because I'm in it for the long haul. But it does mean I can move forward. I choose to move forward instead of staying stuck. It's a choice I make every day. I'm proud of that choice.
So how do I move forward? By taking time to remember what I have gained. Just like I grieve what I have lost, I must celebrate what I have gained. I take a moment to flick through photos that take me back to the moment where it all began. I look at my daughter. I hold her. I breathe her in. For that moment, I am in the moment. Nothing else matters. It's just me and her, and that's not so bad. In fact, that's great. While it's inevitable parenting will get me down, I don't have to stay there. I choose to celebrate the amazing miracle that I am blessed with. Some people are not so fortunate. For my daughter, I am grateful for everything she is, and everything that is yet to be. I am grateful that she made me a mama, for now my life has an unwavering purpose.
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